Lifestyle · Relationships

When everyone is getting married…….

………except you

For-Blog

There is the tendency for you to be depressed and feel sorry for yourself when it seems like you’re the only one amongst your mates who hasn’t hitched a man

Getting married is most women’s ultimate dream but sometimes it doesn’t happen when you want it to. It could be that you haven’t met that great man. Yet, all your friends, colleagues and age mates have been whisked off to the altar by the “perfect man.” And here you are, still single and definitely not eighteen. Everyone’s asking when they are going to tie gele and eat rice or cake. All you ever hear at weddings these days is “A se ti e na o!” Of course, you don’t hate the prayer; you’re just tired of hearing it and seeing the look of pity that sometimes comes with it. Then you become obsessed with the thought of getting married, except that it still won’t happen – at least, not how you want it to, for obvious reasons. Remember how they say desperate people make mistakes? Yea, well…so you won’t force it. It has to happen some day, right? But until it does, what do you do? Sulk, no? Maybe sulking seems like the easiest thing to do but it certainly isn’t productive. You can’t sit around and put your life on hold because you’re waiting for that happy ending. You should lead a happy life even as you hope to hitch your prince charming. True, it seems easier said than done, but here are five tips I’ve come up with that can help you lead that life.

Work on yourself
There is the tendency for you to be depressed and feel sorry for yourself when it seems like you’re the only one amongst your mates who hasn’t hitched a man. But who says you have to hitch a man right now? Besides, moping around all day in your pyjamas because of a failed relationship or because you haven’t met the right man couldn’t possibly make you feel better. That you haven’t met him yet does not mean you’ll never meet him. So till then, are you going to sit around waiting for him? Certainly not! You don’t want a liability in your life, do you? Then by all means, don’t be one, so none of that self pity and all of getting busy. Work hard at your career, make a name for yourself, start a business, pursue your dreams, polish your talents, buy a car if you can afford it, get a second or a third degree. There’s so much you can and should do. When you finally meet the man of your dreams, he’ll respect you for it. No man wants a liability these days so work hard to make your own money and then when he speaks, una go get mouth to talk also.

And oh! while you’re at it, don’t forget to work on your physical appearance. No, it’s not about placing emphasis on how you look but on how you want to be judged. If you look scruffy and unkempt half the time people meet you, chances are, they won’t be too keen on meeting you again. Besides, you also want to look and stay healthy, so hit that gym if you can, exercise regularly, take enough water and fruits, take care of your hair, skin and nails, and of course, your breath. Nothing turns a man off like bad breath.

Don’t be anxious
It’s quite normal to be anxious. Of course, you’re human and your biological clock is ticking. Your friend, Halima, who was one of the “baddest” girls in school, is now married with two kids, she’s about to have her third and you, who never hurt a fly, are still single and desperately searching. Now tell me, why shouldn’t you be worried? But the key is, stop worrying. No amount of worrying would fetch you a husband, so you might as well stop. Be happy for your friends, attend their weddings, give them gifts, and smile all the time. Just be happy! It might not be so easy but try it; it’s a lot of fun being happy. Remember this when next you feel the urge to be angry, angry at the world for getting so perfectly by while you’re left alone with all the worries. It truly is fun being happy. There’s hardly a man who would approach a woman with a perpetual scowl on her face. You’re not carrying the world’s burdens on your shoulders, you just haven’t met the right man.

Be Sociable
I haven’t heard of the woman who sat at home all day and had her husband dropped in her lap from up above. If you are someone whose social life does not exceed lounging in front of the television and you think you will meet the man of your dreams, then I’m sorry to burst your bubbles, you’ve certainly got another think coming – except of course, he materializes from the TV right into your sitting room. Babe, you’ve got to have a social life. I don’t mean never ending parties or clubbing. It could be weddings or school reunions. You never can tell who you would meet there. For all you know, you could meet an old male friend and start a romance that could lead to marriage. But take care not to dwell too much on meeting a man when you go out or you’d just end up spoiling the fun for yourself.

Be classy, not choosy
When I was eighteen or so, I had unending lists of qualities my future husband had to possess. Now that I’m much older, my thinking is different. I don’t have such frivolous lists anymore but it doesn’t mean that there aren’t certain qualities I’m looking out for. Just not the kinds I was looking for when I was younger. So if you’re keeping a long list of qualities that a man has to possess before he even walks up to you, then zzzzzzz, that’s me sleeping, wake me when you get over yourself. No, don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a list, but be realistic. There’s a whole lot of difference between being classy and choosy. True, you shouldn’t settle for anyone below your standards but don’t be too picky or hard to please. The idea is; be principled, but not rigid. It doesn’t mean you’re settling for less, you’re just making your list more flexible. If you’re waiting for the perfect angel, then you might let something good pass you by. It’s not some romantic fantasy, it’s the real world.

Pray and have faith
Even if you’re not the most religious of persons, you have to admit that prayers do get answered. It’s also important that you have faith. My friend once told me that she wasn’t going to wait all these years only to settle for less. And I share her sentiments. Think about it, if all your friends, family, colleagues got married and you didn’t, but woke up one day and decided to settle for the nearest available man, wouldn’t all those years you spent waiting be a waste? Of course, it takes a lot of faith but you’ll be glad you had such when you finally meet that man.

If after all is said and done; and hitching a man still seems like moving to Venus, don’t sweat it. Marriage is wonderful but your life certainly does not depend on it. Don’t be so submerged in the stereotype “that a woman’s life begins and ends with marriage” that you forget about other fulfilling aspects of life. There is indeed a whole lot more that you’re yet to do. So get to it and stop sulking. When it is time, that man will walk right into your life.

Illustration: John Okosun

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13 thoughts on “When everyone is getting married…….

  1. Great one Titi, i especially love that part about being classy but not choosy.
    Why would you draw up a list of qualities i should have? Be real!, we’re in Nigeria, the economy is not too good!.
    An important point you left out tho, is…start the search while you’re young, and get your sights on marriage on time.
    Hook up your prince charming very early, and you both nuture the relationship into marriage..

    My 2 kobo

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    1. @Adeyemi, I don’t think it works that way all the time. While dating early works for some pple. It doesn’t work for some.
      There some some couples who started dating from Secondary sch and who are happily married. Meanwhile, there are some that did not get married to their secondary sch loves and are still not married till date.
      Ultimately, there is really no one formular for dating and marriage. It just happens – especially when you meet “the one”. Irrespective of how early or how late.
      That’s just my thots anyway.

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  2. LoL @ your statement: “a long list of qualities my husband has 2 possess!”; I kept a long list when I was younger too and top on that list was: he must be TDH!!! Looool! What frivolity indeed! The rite man must, first, be a lover of Jehovah, all other “important” criteria follow o! Nice one Tee!

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  3. What I do not get, is why getting married is most women’s ultimate dream. Certainly one can find lasting happiness in the absence of a husband or wife.. I wish women would not place such pressure on themselves. Life is good; enjoy it!

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  4. lovely Titi olu, how i wish most unmarried lady could read this just for them to know that to be Happy does not depend on if you are married or not. I like this ” If after all is said and done; and hitching a man still seems like moving to Venus, don’t sweat it. Marriage is wonderful but your life certainly does not depend on it. Don’t be so submerged in the stereotype “that a woman’s life begins and ends with marriage” that you forget about other fulfilling aspects of life. There is indeed a whole lot more that you’re yet to do. So get to it and stop sulking. When it is time, that man will walk right into your life”. Lovely!

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  5. Hi titi. This is lovely. Dupe actually told me to check this up a long time ago.
    I must say that this is a very bold write up.
    Now my comments;
    I agree completely with a woman being happy with or without a man, but the truth is that any woman without “her man” feels VERY lonely and feels frustrated from time to time about the absence of man in her life.
    Another thing is that even when a woman decides to be happy in spite of it all, our community/society will not let her be. Every eye is on her. Waiting every second for that man to be introduced. Phew!!! This is even more frustrating than even waiting for the right guy. If only spinters can just be left alone, it would make their lives a lot easier.
    Another point Titi is being sociable. What if she is not invited for social gathering? Is she to start walking on the road looking for events to attend? Don’t get me wrong, there are pple who do not get IVs regularly – like me. I haven’t been to any wedding this year (is dat wierd? I donno). Now what advise do you give to such ladies. And even when they go out, they do not seem to find their agemates in the gatherings. I can tell you, any woman who is of marriageable age in naija goes out to functions with the hope of meeting “someone” and trust me, they go home more disappointed and frustrated that before. This sounds funny to me anyway – *laughs*.
    Anyway, the last point on the comment is on prayer. Do you think a woman of 40-45yrs should keep praying and hoping that her prayers about getting married would materialize? I donnooooo.
    After All said and done, I think the greatest problem unmarried pple(men and women) have is the Nigerian society/community. And if we can device a means to put an end to this nigerian mentality of marriage being the ultimate in life, then we would have achieved a lot.
    Its a good thing you are doing. Keep it up sweets.

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    1. Wow! Thank you so much, Shy, for reading and for taking your time to comment. Really do appreciate it. You don’t know how much! I should remember to thank Dupe too.
      Okay, first…..you haven’t attended any wedding this year? Then you’re definitely coming to my cousin’s. There’s really nothing wrong, in fact, there’s absolutely nothing wrong, with you not attending weddings. Now the idea is not to attend weddings because we want to meet “someone”, but because we want to attend the wedding and enjoy it. The gist is; go out and have some fun and not wallow at home in self-pity. It’s fine if you meet someone, but if you don’t, it’s okay too. And, no, of course, we can’t roam the streets if we’ve got nowhere to go but we can create some fun for ourselves. I know how weird this sounds but have you tried window shopping and going to the movies alone? You wouldn’t believe how much fun it is.…..and true, spinsters may feel lonely and all; prayers may seem unanswered; and the soci
      ety and family just make it all worse by placing too much emphasis on marriage but remember that the important thing is to get a grip on our lives. We shouldn’t be in the dumps because we haven’t hitched someone. You get?

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      1. Agreed dearie. You know I am one person who doesn’t wait for another person, man or woman, before I have fun. Life is one. If u get lucky with ur “right one”, be sure I will be there to celebrate wiv u. Trust me, even though ur cousin’s wedding is not in town, I will be there – FULL TIME. In fact, another adventure for me. 🙂 winks*

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  6. Good write up Titi, I never knew u write. A lot of women put pressure upon themselves to get married. I think the first thing to ask is why do i want to get married? When we have our thoughts sought out, we can face pressure of society because ultimately, no matter the pressure society places on u, only u gets to live with you spouse and not them

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